Unbroken Glass

One casual afternoon my shadchan called me, saying there is this great guy I have to go out with. Said he is really a special guy.
He was.

At first when I saw him I froze.
Couldn’t move.
This guy looked exactly like an alien.
Do you know the known-poster alien figure? Like, huge eyes and nostrils instead of a nose and no chin?
He looked exactly like that. I was properly panicking.
When he had realized that I was his date, he smiled at me, which made it even more real. The alien is trying to capture me, the earthling.
I smiled back at him, I think it was the fear.
We sat down.
I couldn’t speak, I was looking at him frozen, holding my bag, looking nervously
at the crowd surrounding us, hoping for someone to come and arrest him. Take him in! Damn intruder.
When I saw that theres no one to trust in that coffee shop, I very politely excused myself to the little ladies room, while he was ordering our drinks.
There, I hysterically called my best friend, the one I knew who wouldnt laugh at me and I told him that if I am not calling him again in 2 hours, then I have been kidnapped by aliens, that their ship is probably somewhere near town, that I need him to promise me that he will look for me and smack them.
He was pretty okay with that, he doesn’t live in Jerusalem so he couldn’t really come for my rescue but he completely believed me (he is a major X-FILES fan) and said he will do what he can and that I have to try and relax, don’t show the enemy that you are tense, don’t blow his cover just yet.
You can never know what they are capable of.

So, I came back to the table, trying to be cool about it, and sat down.
It was the first and only time in the history of my shidduchim that I have ordered beer instead of coffee. I just felt like if I have to have an evening with an alien, I better use the magical wonders of alcohol to keep me chilled and smiling.
He started talking. I couldn’t really speak. He was talking about his family, while I gave him the look of Come on give me a break I know all about your FAMILY, but he kept on and on.
He told me he worked for the electricity company. That was it. No more doubts. I just knew he was an alien and let me tell you, he wasn’t doing a great job trying to hide it, I mean, THE ELECTRICY COMPANY for crying out loud.

At one point his cell phone rang. He answered it and said : I am here with THE girl.
Not A girl. THE girl.
That’s it. I am doomed.
I was sure that was some sort of code, sending to his fellow aliens on the ship.
He is going to kidnap me.

Saying byebye to planet earth and hitchhiking through the galaxy would have been a brilliant idea, I don’t think I get along in this planet anyway, if only this guy was a bit fun to spend the rest of your life with, holding a towel.
He was the stupidest alien I have ever met, he told me the dumbest jokes and laughed from it, he used sophisticated lines with no context whatsoever, and it seemed to make him laugh also, he was very pleased with himself, and when an hour and a half has past and I already had 7 voice messages from this friend of mine, checking to see if I am still in the same time zone, I decided I am making a run for it now.
So I said “Hey its been a great evening…”
He interrupted me in the middle and said very out loud so the whole coffee shop noticed
“Yes its great, just great being here with you! you know what? I am not leaving! Waiter! Get us another round!”
NNNNOOOOOOOOOO
I WANT TO GO HOME!
But that is just him being alien, they have powers, you know. I couldn’t go, it was like I was glued to that chair, couldn’t move, couldn’t run, couldn’t speak.
At least I could drink.
Beer. Lots of beer.
He was a very talkative guy, like it wouldn’t STOOOOOPPPP, he just talked and talked about the dumbest things you would never believe, I was beginning to suspect he is trying to ware me out, to exhaust me from all his yada yada elian jab about electricity.

At the end of if I just had to use all my energies to resist the alien spells and I got up, semi drunk, and told him I was going home. To huston.
He insisted on driving me home.
I got in the car and shivered, it was all wires and tapes and empty bags I was sure I will never see my mom again. Not to mention my computer.

He drove pretty badly, like red signs don’t apply to him, like he doesn’t even know the basic traffic rules of our little blue planet.

To my great surprise, he got me home.
I dashed out of the car in a millisecond, while he mumbled something about what a fabulous evening it was and that he will give me a call, but by then, I was far away.

I burst into my flat and I screeeeaaaaaaammmed NNNOOOOOO.
My flat mates looked at me pretty taken back. I was interrupting with their late night supper (cake and bamba) and it seemed like they were all having a peacful conversation till I came running in, breathless and desperate.

This guy was the last one this shadchan has ever offered me for I phoned him and very politely told him to never ever set me up with another guy again.

Few months ago he called me, telling me that the alien wants to go out with me again. I had to say NO, I don’t think the mixture of horror and alcohol work well for me.

I don’t really mind leaving the planet, but I had just dyed my hair.
Can’t leave now.

This entry was posted on Sunday, August 11th, 2002 at 4:46 am and is filed under She. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.