About This Site
Now that we’ve started getting some serious hits (thanks to Tom
and the BangItOut people among others) it’s probably time we explained what this site’s about. Read on…
I’m She and this site is officially dedicated to the worst shidduchim I’ve ever had.
I wasn’t planning on dedicating anything at all to my shidduchim, but
Yoz made me do it.
I was once a young innocent teenage girl, chillin’ in Amsterdam’s coffee-shops and going to raves in London… life was good. Around age 18 I discovered God and Judaism, and turned my life around to become observant, much to the amusement of all my hedonistic friends. Since then I’ve passed my time mainly by learning Torah, doing a degree, and going on some truly awful shidduchim.
For those of you who don’t know, a shidduch is a blind date. Contrary
to popular belief, it is NOT, I repeat not, an arranged marriage. It’s
all very civilised; well-meaning people set you up with someone they
think you might get along with, and you meet and have coffee and,
occasionally, beer, and basically try to find someone to spend the
rest of your life with.
Because I am Israeli, English is not my first language, and I
apologise in advance for all my spelling mistakes on the site.
I choose to remain anonymous for a couple of reasons:
The first being to protect myself from any angry ex-shidduchim who
might come after me with a pistol when they read this site.
Another being that if people knew who I was, they’d probably refuse
to go out with me seeing as I they would probably be tomorrow’s main
feature on the site.
And then how would I ever get married?
I would just like to say here that all this is just good fun for me,
and hopefully for everyone who reads it.
When I started writing down all of my stories, I quickly discovered that this was a very healthy way of letting out all my frustration and disappointment, in a way that was anonymous, didn’t hurt anyone, and made me feel much, much better.
I have no desire to hurt or upset anyone; as you can see, I’m as cynical
about myself as I am about everyone else in my stories, if not more so.
And yes, all you skeptics, all stories are my very own real-life ones.
So feel free to browse around, make some comments or even email me…
May you all be zoiche to build a bayis ne’eman beyisroel!
— She
I’m Yoz. I’m the webmaster here. I live in London.
This site started after several IM conversations with She, during which she would tell me some of her stories and I would routinely express astonishment. After a few of these, I started nagging her to write these down, perhaps turn them into a website. Given that my chums and I were looking for interesting new sites to host on our new server project, it didn’t take long before MoveableType was installed and we were on our way.
One thing I’m particularly interested in is how the site reads for people who aren’t Orthodox Jews. If you have any suggestions, do let us know! (One thing I’m currently considering is linking all Jewish jargon to a glossary of some kind… much MT-hacking ahoy)
Respect is clearly due to:
- She, for putting up with all my nagging
- Shim, for the logo
- The Trotts, for the software
- My buddies at J-Colo
- All She’s chums who help her with the writing
- Modern Magazine in Brooklyn, for spreading the word
— Yoz
September 25th, 2002 04:22
I have a very good friend, let me call him David Eizenbach.
He is a Baal Teshuva from a young age and has been Shidduch-dateing for years, without much luck.
This is how he summed it up:
“I have always hoped that one day I will meet Miss. Perfect, marry her and she would become Mrs. Eizenbach. I have searched for years until I finally found her… Married to Mr. Perfect”
Your stories are wonderful She! I enjoyed every one of them. If they wouldn’t be laced with bitterness and sadness (cleverly masked by wit and humor) I wouldn’t feel guilty enjoying them.
I curse you to be zoiche to build a bayis ne’eman beyisroel bemahira beyomaino Aomain!!
September 25th, 2002 04:26
One more thing:
I hope the glass breaks soon!!
September 25th, 2002 13:46
Well, it’s either the glass or me.
We’ll see who breaks first.
Thank you lots!
November 4th, 2002 08:14
Wow! I came across this site quite by accident and just had to comment – I think it’s wonderful. I have enjoyed what I’ve read so far and you articulate well considering English is not your first language. Yoz asked how this site reads for those who are not orthodox Jews – I think it reads fine – although a glossary could be useful.
I truly wish you the best and hope you find what you are looking for.
D.
December 21st, 2002 07:26
Single and Unavailable, The Web as Shidduchen: A Story
For three years, I have been searching for him, my Bershert. I was told about mitmazel.com from my Rav and so I went there and put my profile on line.
First things first, the body image challenge: as a zoftig(jucy) woman, I was amazed at how “CHUBBY” was the only choice for full figured people. I had to pick a discription of myself and so I became “chubby.” It felt degrading and Un-Jewish, to insult myself with such a secular discription. The empowered “Zoftig” would lay waste in my vocabulary as I grew dense with frustration.
No one contacted me. When one man did contact me, he said, “why did you put “Chubby,” that is so bad.” He went on to proclaim that when I reduce, I should let him know.
It continued. I found a few scary men. One guy had sent me a photo with his wedding ring on, NU? One was very fat and wanted “she should be thin and beautiful on the inside and the outside.” The dichotomy was unreal. I felt unprepared for the reality that I was facing, Jewish men are like every other kind of man, they are painfully ego centered; wanting Jewish values while they measure our lives by secular standards. How many Barbie Dolls(Trademark) do we see in Shul, joining Haddasa, giving birth again, heading off to the Mikvah, getting home and making Shobbas (gavalt already)?
I was soon told about Frumster and so I branched out and placed my profile on that site as well. It has been unbelievable. I have tried to figure it all out. The puzzle is really multi level, yet it is as old as time. Men want what they can’t have, men dream and confuse that for real life, men look at themselves with much less judgement than they do anything else. How do I know, they bascially tell me.
I have been sent pictures of far less attractive men than I am as a woman, I have weighed in the dimentions and discovered that for every kind comment stated in their profiles there were two negitives. For example, “I am a sensitive man, with good communication skills and can help with the housework, you shouldn’t have to do it all plus work fulll time and have the kids to take care.” Or, “easy going guy , 53, with Chabad leanings seeks a young girl to marry. Must not have had previous children, ages 25-35.” What young women whould marry an older guy? Why isn’t he looking in his age range? How come he expects to have children when he is of grandfather age? Who would want an arm chair Abba for their kids, as a husband: “Honey, they are climbing on the book case, her diaper is dirty, is dinner ready, can you keep them quiet, I am davening, what do you mean play ball with him, help you pick up around here… its Shobbas “I ” need to run to the Mikvah and relax, get ready to make Shobbas…”
Who would want that as a young women, wouldn’t she want a young man? Someone to work with her, a person with the energy it takes to do what he needs to have what he wants, babies who grow up and become kids?
An older women, say around 40-50 would be a better match. He might find that parenting her pre-exsisting children(sounds like a virus) could be joyous too. He would certainly have more in common with her than say her 10-15 year younger “sister in yiddishkite.” Ah, to be young again…
The Kohane agenda:
If he is a Kohane, he would need to state that. He does not always think about it, the insensitiveness of one can work on th other, caused by connecting with failure. Time and time again this does little for us as a people, men fail to have this worldly insight .
As a 40 year old Jewish woman, I have struggled with finding mature men who are not afraid of me, my “communication skills,” education, my career as a professional counselor working with the inmate population, a good story teller, a woman of valour etc…
They have said I was too short, too full figured, too far away(although I would relocate), too smart, too assertive, to observant, too inflexible re the sheital and not open to being flexible at all.
One guy said that he smoked “rarely.” That meant one pack a day. One man said that I would have to wear the Shietal, I said thanks anyway and then he said “how hard it was to keep kosher today.” I said “thanks anyway. I tried to be polite before i hung up,(my problem) and then he asked me about my nails, are they polished right now, what color? WOW! FREAK!
I connected with a very funny and talented guy. He lives in Eretz Yisroel. He is a teacher, he works with kids. He is 41, I sensed so much from our emails. We had a lot to work with. I was excited and filled with emunah galore. I was very happy to consider aliyah. As a mother of a young adult daughter, I wanted nothing more than to connect with a man who knew kids…
Well, well, well I recently “over responded” in an email and the lovely man said that he was on “information overload.” Based on this he was no longer interested in me at all, thank you very much.
I wonder, how come he couldn’t ask me for short emails, consice messages and to proceed to a phone call? How come when I suggested talking directly to observancy levels re the shietal, he couldn’t be open to it? COULD IT BE THAT HE AND THE OTHERS ARE REALLY SINGLE AND UNAVAILABLE? that someone told them to go on line, look around, find her already? Is it possible that they just like to say they are looking?
I have been in touch with others. We emailed and even spoke. I became hopefull and I set myself up for failure as I let my emotions run the shidduch. I connected with a 53 year old man who is living at home caring for his elderly parents and he has prostate cancer…why is he looking for his Bershert when he has no energy to build a relationship? Such a mench, caring for his parents. However, even Hospice said they were beyond his ablity to care for them, he needed help. He would also need energy to heal his cancer, focus on the Kodesh Brucha, daven, daven, daven. He was also becomming the regional Prostate Cancer support affiliate for his area, he was busy., My Rav said “he is not a shidduch, too busy to focus on the match. He needed in-house help, not a Bershert at this time. It wouldn’t be fair to you(me).” My Rav, such a smart man, no?
Now, I say: please offer me feed back. Am I mishuganah or what?
I can take calls as well: 512.847.1976(USA)
Email: skuvet@austin.rr.com
I am listed on Frumster as “Sheva.”
On mitmazel.com as “sparkey.”
Does anyone know a shidduchen?
I am assertive about my search. I want to be under the chuppah with my Bershert soon, G-D willing he should become a force in my life today.
Please send blessings my way…
We should all have the match made in this time! The glass is unbroken, need it remain so?
January 21st, 2003 00:46
A friend sent me this site. I guess it’s cause I’m always talking about being terminally single and the absolutely HORRID dates I’ve had. If I waited for shidduchim, I’d have had so few dates, and no relationships (my definition of a relationship, after almost 30 years in the dating market, is more than 2 dates).
In any case, are all the stories about one person’s experiences? I was wondering whether other people can submit their experiences.
January 21st, 2003 01:10
Hi Debbie, glad you could make it.
Um, this started out as *my* site, and I’m the main author, or whatever I should call myself.
But I’m tired….please, EVERYONE’S invited to send me their stories to post. Just email me.
March 21st, 2003 01:12
Hey She and everyone else..
well I was just chatting with a friend and was told to check out your site.. I have been checking it out in between classes..
Don’t worry.. I have some really crazy shidduch stories that no one except my friends believe to be true.. I also seem to be a “segulah” of some sorts cuz every guy that I date- shidduch or otherwise, crazy, strange, weird and all- seem to get engaged shortly after dating me (even if it was only one date!) while I sit here being single..
oh well.. Hashem works in mysterious ways..
She- I wanna give you a quick bracha..
May you be zoche to have clarity in your life so that you may see the good in everything.. May Hashem bless you with a life of happiness and joy in everything that you do.
have a shabbat shalom!
– Blue
March 25th, 2003 00:10
hi there,
I accidently run into this site while searching for interesting story having to do with the marriage institution for a very good friend of mine whi is about to get married.
I realize I’m mot the only one having bizarre shiduchim stories.
well, hopefully we will all find our soul mate, and u up there, please don’t make me wait for too long. I’m already sick of coffee.
by the way, I’m also Israeli and English isn’t my first language so ignore my spelling mistakes.
July 9th, 2003 08:42
uh i know im sorta late but what was the ‘I curse you to be zoiche…” all about, by grifn in the beginning of this thread?