Josh
The American Yeshivish world is divided to two basic sub-worlds, that combine.
The “Joshes” and the “Rivkies”.
Every Josh has a Rivki.
This guy was a Josh, and I am, gladly enough, far from being a Rivki.
When I say he was a Josh I mean to say he was very classy, like high class suits, high class language, very stylish. Gross.
Something about this whole style act made me feel obliged to behave like the First Lady, no less.
Like, dressing up and acting properly and saying the right thing and never to accidently chas v’shalom spill my coffee, or to say BYE like the commoners instead of Kol Tuv.
Oh yes, the KOL TUV bit. He was very yeshivish, you see, and he was being very tznius with me.
Walking in front of me etc.
Don’t we girls just find that charming.
One time he took me to this chinese place for dinner. He immidiatly started showing off with his chopstick skills, while I looked at him, thinking how do I get myself out of this mess.
Me and coordination, well, we dont mix. He ignored my look of distress and encouraged me to try again.
“It’s very simple, look”, he said and did it so elegantly I wanted to puke.
The waitress, Gd bless her Goyish soul, noticed my dull chopstick performance and came running to our table armed with the tools of the 21th centuary.
A knife and a fork.
I reached my hands to recieve it from her, but this guy, ugh the nerve, just grabbed it from her hands and said “We wont be needing those, thank you”.
My head screamed “Maybe your MOTHER wont be needing those, but I clearly do!!”
(I tend to involve mothers, its a bad and very unelegant Israeli habit).
But aloud I only said, quietly, “Give me those, please”.
– “No
You need to learn how to use chopsticks.”
Why? For my next presidential visit to China??
I kept quiet. I used the damn chopsticks. It felt like terror.
I am not elegant. That’s why people LIKE me. I’m not sure why I even bothered trying to be one. A Rivki (“Oh my gaaaaaaaaad and stuuuuuuuuff?”)
Many people have told me I fit no category. I’ve always felt like theres an untold insult behind that remark, and still, I am not an “elegant, educated, pretty little sem girl” like this Joshie boy was obviously looking for. Go fish a Rivki.
Everything with him had to be by the book. So, after a certain amount of dates, he asked me to go meet his Rabbi. Fine, I did (entering the yeshiva, looking for the Rabbi, asking yeshiva guys for directions, nearly walking streight into the Beis Midrash – I’ve had more tznious days than that).
The surprising thing was that his Rabbi really liked me, told him I was exactly what he needs.
He was mildely excited by his Rabbi’s reaction, and called me right after that to tell me the oh so wonderful news. I passed the test.
Funny how MY Rabbi had told me he’s really, but really, not what I need.
In his words “He’s too different from you. He DOES what he’s told”.
I like to ask Rabbis opinions but it appears they say funny things. There was this Rabbi (now RIP) who had told one guy I’ve dated that I am his Zivug and shall remain that way till 120. Frightening.
Interestingly enough, that guy dumped me. Good joke.
ANYWAY, one evening I had a date with him so I’ve put on my make-up, got properly dressed for the occasion, put my bag across (slave to fashion) and left to meet him.
I remember we were standing at the windmill, He looked deep into my eyes, and said in a throaty voice
could you do me a favor?
It had a romantic tonallity, I wasnt sure what to expect, so I just said
Sure.
Then he paused, giving the moment the proper dramatic feeling….
He took another deep breath and said
Could you please put your bag on the SIDE and not ACROSS?
errrrr
Mr. Tznius.
I guess it had to do with my bra size.
I remember thinking “Is it possible for you to be even MORE tactless??”
DONT LOOK AND DONT TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT IT EITHER.
oof.
After about a month of dating, we decided to go our separate ways.
It was a mutual decision. He finally realized what he needs is a “yes-yes” Rivki, and I had to face the fact I’ll forever be neither.
I very elegantly phoned him, and told him that.
He, even more elegantly, agreed with me.
His Rabbi still likes me.
And my Rabbi still wishes I’d do more of what I’m told every once in a while.
September 17th, 2002 04:58
Happy new year!
Josh.
September 17th, 2002 20:17
oh my gaaaaaaaaaaad and stuuuufffff????
i love you she. shana tova and kol tuv.:)
September 17th, 2002 22:23
Like oh my gosh, if you can not handle chop sticks what makes you think you are fully qualified to think about dating or marriage or kids and stuffffffff, my mother in Monsey always said, you can tell a lot about a girl by the way she handles a stick….whatever???
September 18th, 2002 08:42
Shit, this is funny as hell, though, if I ever told you my stories, well…
Listen to me, you think you had it bad, God I should hook you up with some of my dates.
Which makes you think, why do we do this?
I guess at the end we figure that there is no perfections. Look at me and you, are we perfect?
If those guys had to write about us, what do you realy think we will sound like.
So, what I’m telling you is, don’t wait for “The One”, He’s not there, believe me, but find the one who has “FALTOT” you can live with. Remember the poor guy has to live with YOU!!!
Call me, you shit
September 20th, 2002 03:03
Control!!!
She, you are just fine the way you are….B”H you won’t allow anyone to change you..
One of your greatest assests is your strength of character….
September 20th, 2002 08:06
Like, your story was STUNNING! IT WAS OH MY GOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!! im yirtzeh Hashem by you!!!!!!!!!! I’m SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY THAT HE WASN’T YOUR BASHERT.
lOVE,
Chaya Bashy Fraidel Tinkleberger
September 21st, 2002 23:57
very nice, keep going, i just dont understand why you keep seeing people that you dont like. trust youself and listen to your heart. that is the only way to go. anyway, dont worry because the right thing will come and happen by itself. there is no need to try so hard. you are the way you are. love yourself and love will come to you. good luck
September 26th, 2002 10:06
hi,
i read it from tel-aviv in my p.r office, and found it very funny.
i hope you find your prince and you can go with your bags crossed together.
keep dreaming!
September 26th, 2002 21:53
INSHALLAH.
October 15th, 2002 07:57
It appears to me that the guy was a borg. He wasn’t really breathing. One wonders whether his father and mother were also cyborgs. Commandment 614: never date cyborg.
November 5th, 2002 21:30
I like, TOTALLY don’t even get it! Like, what are you thiiiinking. I’m so, totally confused.
But if you thought so badly of him, what took a month??
November 13th, 2002 09:37
why on earth did you date this guy for a month if you knew he was looking for a rivki???
i guess being a girl myself (so i know) we just let our stupidity get the better of us.
February 3rd, 2003 09:40
So what does Kol Tuv mean anyway????
February 9th, 2003 03:13
Um, “All The Best” basically.
June 23rd, 2003 06:32
beautifuly written you got such a powerful sense of irony
and the ending i love the ending it reads like the french guy who wrote shore stories whats his name forgot the funny guy ah remember guy de mupossant or something of that sort really its like him in some way the satire and irony and lightness of tone
July 6th, 2003 11:54
SHE-ur the best! i love the way u write…i cant get over it. g’luck with ur dates/marriage/kids/grandkids. (see what confidence i have in you!? )
July 7th, 2003 00:28
Yay!
September 16th, 2003 00:52
I dont understand why your an idiot and go out with a guy you dont like. If the date went bad and you go out with him again then you the fool not him.
September 23rd, 2004 05:30
Heh. I’m not a “Rivki,” but I am definitely a Rivky 🙂