The Zoo Date
You’ve all heard of the Zoo-Date, right ?
It’s like you have to go to the zoo after a certain amount of dates, to bond and make that wonderful connection between you two, while throwing some peanuts at the monkeys. It’s supposed to be romantic for some reason.
If you follow the codes and you’ve been dating for about, um, a month or so and it’s nearly two dates now before the big proposal and you’ve already had lots of coffee together and you had a picnic and there’s nothing left to do, then you go to the zoo.
That’s what the book says.
But I never do anything by the book.
A friend had called me and told me about this guy.I asked her to tell him to call me.
He called.
Now, this guy is sort of the Israeli-Josh, and that means of course that he went to all the right schools and he’s very wealthy and has the newest coolest fastest car, and in the army he was at least an F-16 pilot and has the right degrees and he now works in computers, but unlike everyone else who “work in computers” – he actually has a job in the tallest building in Israel.
All this info – he himself told me, very loudly and proudly.
Of course, he was very arrogant.
Of course, it irritated me.
He asked me where I shall want to meet with him. This entire act made me want to do something simple, real, alive…I said the zoo. He kept quiet for about 10 seconds, I mean, it *is* only our first date. You know, it’s quite amazing what a big deal do people make out of “going by the book”. So I let him ponder about that one until he finally said, as if it’s really nothing “cool, cool”.
I think I’m usually quite a real person, but this whole fake act, this pose, gives me a vividness-attack and that makes me even harder to handle if you’re not ready for it.
So we met, he came to pick me up.
I got into the car and the first thing I did was telling him to SAY CHEESE and taking his picture. I don’t think he liked that.
I felt all jumpy and alive and happy.
Then I asked him if I can drive. He didn’t even answer, just gave me a weird look, pulled into first shift and drove.
We got to the zoo and I immediately took the zoo map and started navigating to the elephants, admiring the zoo and the view and the grass and the sun and it was just a wonderful day.
He was a very talkative guy, discussing himself mostly and his great achievements in his very confident tone of voice.
He tried to talk about casual shidduch stuff, though it was so clearly not shayach, I wasn’t concentrating in what he was asking me, too many distractions.
He asked me something about my Hashkafa but I only said “Look! Hippos!”
As I see it, try to adjust yourself to where you are. You are quite clearly now dating a child who’s absolutely glowing of the fact she’s going to see some giraffes, instead of going out on a decent date with the rational woman they told you about.
So if you cant beat them, join them.
But he wasn’t going to.
Anyway, we were walking in the zoo, and entered the bird cage. So groovy, all sorts of birds in all different colours, I was entranced, just walked there and looked up at the birds and didn’t even notice my date. I got out of the cage and only then noticed I was alone. Hmmm. I waited.
He got out looking very disturbed and embarrassed, at first I couldn’t see what his problem was.
Two seconds later, I got it.
The birds did something very very naughty to his shirt. Heh.
I started laughing, like, WITH him, you can make a joke out of these little Fadichas, you don’t have to be so heavy about everything.
He was SO NOT AMUSED.
When I noticed that I’m only irritating him more with my very not discreet giggles, I shut up and told him I’d love to go with him to the souvenir shop they have in the zoo and get him a new shirt or something, as long as he buys me one too.
He gave me a cold look.
But we went anyway.
When we got to the shop, I changed my mind and told him I don’t fancy a shirt anymore I’d definitely kill for an ice cream. So he got me ice cream and I sat outside and ate it, baking in the sun and enjoying the moment when eventually he got out, wearing an odd-looking pink shirt that said “MONKEY ME”. I nearly choked.
He looked very sad.
I asked him if he would like to go home now, he said please.
When we got to the parking lot I decided to push my luck and asked him again if I can drive.
He was so exhausted that he simply said fine and got into the car.
I think he was just so embarrassed that someone might see him in the car, wearing that ridiculous shirt, so he let me drive while he shrunk in the seat, trying to make himself invisible and unnoticeable.
He wasn’t talkative anymore. He only said that if I would show some less self-confidence when I take right turns, he would appreciate it greatly.
I think he erased this day completely from his memorials, it’s a good thing I still have pictures of him with the shirt as evidence.
….She goes back to play with her new toy.
November 4th, 2002 16:16
In the marsh aviary,
I was attacked by a bird.
My wife laughed at me.
November 4th, 2002 20:48
Oh She, you are BAD! In the best way. I’m sure the experience was very good for the young man.
November 4th, 2002 21:33
how come you are the one who always looks so great?i think you must have one hell of an inferiority complex and judging from your stories i think it is the guys who were lucky not to be stuck with you then the other way around.keep trying to boost yourself “honey”.someday some idiot may even fall for your nonesense.
November 4th, 2002 21:40
You’re probably right.
Dont you have your own email address that you had to use mine?
November 5th, 2002 16:42
it must be terrible to have to delete peoples comments because you don’t agree with them.this is a free world let everyone read the comments and make up there own mind.
November 5th, 2002 17:13
You can do what you like in these forums, I really dont mind you saying whatever about me, you can laugh about me, like,
what-EVER. But I ASK YOU, please, DO NOT use my name and email address. Thats mine.
And please do not write in my name.
I here say that comments of these will be swept away into oblivion by the Almighty the Delete key.
November 5th, 2002 17:15
come on she.stop taking it so personel.just like you make fun of your dates so we can make fun of you or anyone else.we have all had bad dating experiences.i had one just last night.they told me the girl was beautiful , tall and a bit on the heavy side.but very out going and great midos.we met at the holy land hotel in beit vegan and when she walked in i could not believe it.she was so huge she could not fit in the narrow chairs and we had to find a table with a couch so she could sit.she was so quite i could hardly hear her and was not outgoing at all.she must have weighed about 400 pounds.i weigh 350 and i felt tiny next to her.i must say though it would have made a great picture as a before picture for weight watchers or something.
November 5th, 2002 17:18
Great story, and who are these people, Gary’s drinking buddies?
November 5th, 2002 17:27
Um, no actually, its only one person with multiple names (Frankie, Ruthie, Josh and who knows what else). He’s been bugging me for about a month now, hatemailing me etc. Fun.
Dammit its good to have an IP tracer.
November 5th, 2002 21:22
Urgh. Some people will do anything for a little attention. I guess the best thing to do is ignore them?
It’s your site, delete away.
November 5th, 2002 22:16
dear she-you are not playing fair.why can you say what you want.ruin peoples reputations but when someone has something to say about you it is no good.bottom line is you are a hypocrit .you want your cake and you want to eat it.if you are so confident and sure of yourself a little challange should not hurt you.i get more and more of a feeling that you are so worthless i should give up now but i like a fiesty women , which i thought you were.as usual you disappoint.
November 5th, 2002 22:49
hi!!!!!!!!!!!
November 6th, 2002 00:22
Oh…sorry for being rude. Everybody – please meet Yuri, my stalker (aka Frankie).
Good to see you here, Yuri.
Missed your emails.
Oooh…I love that rage in a man.
November 6th, 2002 15:54
oh yuri, you are so cute. and she is right, rage in a man is good-the chicks love it! but f**k off, no-one invited you here.
November 6th, 2002 18:28
Where do you find these people?
November 7th, 2002 17:40
Yuri, Shmoori, Frankie, Shmankie and the rest of them guys – just don’t talk to these women. Ignore them. You know the problem is they are smart AND got a sense of humour. That’s just too much. It’s unfair, but it’s two advantages we can’t possibly cope with.
Go somewhere else. Staying is no good for your ego. May even be devastating in the long run. (I won’t be coming along, though. Not right now, at any rate. I’m having this strange relationship with my ego, you know. I’m even ENJOYING it.)
November 7th, 2002 19:36
F, I can see your Haiku is left uncommented about.
Well, I liked it.
December 10th, 2002 01:23
Woman – you just may be the date from hell!
April 11th, 2003 10:53
yep. Definitely liked the haiku. very cultured and fitting for the piece. I can’t believe this guy not only knows who you are, but also tried to post all of your info! the CHUZTPAH! and this from a guy who was upset with you for not being so anonymous and then talking about “torah morals” on the “apology” one. Well, “Gary,” (or whatever your real name is), Nekamah IS mentioned in the torah, and boy is it a bad sin! She I respect your wanting your privacy. Anonymity is like a warm blanket… (From Mission Impossible).
April 11th, 2003 10:59
ps. LOVED the comic elements of the piece! “Monkey Me” –that kills me!!! and the Bird S*** that’s just classic!
Could I possibly use those in something I’m writing????
May 1st, 2003 01:10
I’m sorry, but you were totally obnoxious on this date. Even if you weren’t into this guy’s “type,” you could have been more courteous towards him. If you’re not interested simply tell the shadchan after the date, rather than going out of your way to make the guy feel like a jackass, simply b/c he’s a “Josh.”
May 2nd, 2003 21:41
Chaim, I disagree. Everyone should be able to joke around and have fun once in a while. If this guy could’ve slightly mended his personality to laugh at his own misfortune to please her and make sure she had a good time, who knows… maybe they’d be together today.
December 9th, 2003 21:49
i agree with chaim. grow up. u acted like a real dork on the date and very immature. u should be able to joke around but in my opinion, if your dates not into it, its kind of pathetic to be joking around by yourself.