Meeting With The IRS
I’ve always wondered who are the world loving, nature children of the revolution, fighting dictatorship, for the sake of democracy, freedom of speech etc who work in the IRS. Nice people, surely.
So now I know.
As if I don’t have enough stressing out to do before I actually leave my flat for a date, like deciding on what to wear, and then having your flatmate telling you it’s horrid and that you must change, and so you do, and luckily the closet’s is rather stable so it doesn’t crash when you open it a gazillion times, and just when you’re about to leave another flatmate has a brilliant idea about a very very specific shirt that I just HAVE to wear NOW and tries to block my way out the door, and only after I manage to lock her in the stove or something and shout LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU, I get to the date, calm.
So, having to go through all of that tantrum in the moments leading to my date, an hour of meditating relaxation isn’t much to ask for really.
And did I get to have it? A moment of peace and harmony?
Of course not. I got a freaking meeting with the IRS.
Seriously. This guy is working for them.
And I do pay my taxes!
I’m used to dating (no. really), and I’m used to being asked about my job, and this isn’t the usual kind of question that makes me nervous. But this guy, working in the IRS, was just fishing for mistakes….fish fish fish…Outcome! Income! Numbers! Details! My Gd, all that was missing was a neon spotlight directed at my face.
I felt like in an interrogation at the Mossad.
And I do pay my taxes!
At about 11.pm he said something about him being very strict about saying the Krias Shema on time. How important it is to never say it after Chatzos etc. I agreed. Important, yeah. I then noticed that it was nearly Chatzos. And he kept looking at his watch, which was annoying. so I thought he was planning to end this date now so he could get to yeshiva on time.
But no.
Before I had a chance to say a thing, he covered his eyes with his right hand and said Krias Shema so loudly that the waitress turned to us, thinking that he actually wanted to order something. He just let himself get totally carried away on waves of enthusiasm and real kavonah.
Now, this is a crowded place. I was like, sitting there, looking at him in total shock, while he ignored me completely, I mean, he was, after all, surfing the waves of spiritual enlightenment, and who was I to interrupt this special daily proceeding.
What was he thinking? That when he covers his eyes he disappears?
When he finished he looked at me said wow, I feel so good, so holy, so pure… don’t you get that after you say Krias Shema? I feel so…. REFRESHED.
Ahh. Refreshed. That’s exactly how I get.
Then he said Ahh again. Surely he was trying to emphasise a point of which I wasn’t aware. Ahh. The moaning of a man in bliss.
By that point of our date, I was certainly not in bliss.
He came back from his midnight surf all tanned and splashy, refreshed and filled with new energy to keep on interrogating me about money and taxes and all that. I couldn’t even understand half of what he was going on about.
I was quite exhausted at that point. It occurred to me that I’m actually paying this guy’s salary. And that now I have to go and sleep so I can get up in the morning fresh and new, and work, and pay his salary, keep him busy doing something. ANYTHING TO KEEP people of his sort ever walking out the office.
July 18th, 2003 00:33
I don’t get it, She. Do you live in Israel or America? And if you live in Israel, why would you be paying American taxes (or the salary of an American IRS worker)? Or is that what it’s called in Israel too? Please enlighten me.
July 18th, 2003 00:45
I guess I could write MAS HACHNASA, if only I thought anyone would understand what it means.
July 18th, 2003 00:48
He said shema on a date? The mad guys you meet….
July 18th, 2003 01:31
Similar situation on a date once, but the guy was bentching after a meal, out loud, in a restaurat, for half an hour. I started recited tehilim by heart so my bentching didnt seem that lightening speedy but at some point I realized i could only stare at the last page for so long. The counting of wall tiles then began.
July 18th, 2003 02:04
She, I know this is probably the wrong place to say it, but I just read your blog – it’s cool! You should consider doing something with your writing.
July 18th, 2003 02:57
Wow you’re his BOSS! Thats so cool, thats so romantic.
July 18th, 2003 07:38
sounds like a blast… hehe
you should totally go out with him again and have him fill out all your forms for you. at least you’d *get* something out of the time you spend with him…
July 18th, 2003 11:04
hmmm. was this guy another BT? Because they tend to go overboard in certain halachic stuff. Like separating their trash btw meat and dairy.
July 18th, 2003 12:10
Of course he was a BT. They are mad, they are all mad I tell you.
July 18th, 2003 16:28
They are all mad — no getting round that. The point is to find the right kind of mad for you.
July 18th, 2003 18:05
I feel I’m the right kind of mad for every single girl. Have a great torturesome sleepless shabbos night, single girls. Oh, I’ll be thinking of you all, to be sure. And dani, “sounds like a blast”? You’re so obscene. You have to do teshuva, or else I’ll stop thinking of you at 3:00 am. I’ll just skip over you, to the next on line, at 3:15, which is She. I take a 20 minute bathroom break at 3:30, but Jinji is batting up next at 3:50. At 5:00 I switch to boys. First, myself. Then some more myself, followed by Yoz. As they say, acharon acharon choviv.
Then I just have enough time to learn Michtav M’Eliyohu for 10 minutes before my vasikin minyan. In his will, Rav Avigdor Miller z”l asked that everyone study mussor for 10-20 minutes every day. I loved the righteous man. I used to ask him questions, when he was alive.
Confession: I remember how once I approached him after Shabbos, with a question about Wisdom. I felt in such awe in his presence, I shivered all over. It was a shame that at the very moment he was telling me the answering, the filthiest images of female bodies were flashing across my mind’s eye – precisely because I didn’t want them to. You know what I mean? The more I pushed them, begging them to leave, gently jolting them with my mental index finger, out of my mental field of vision, the more they endeavored to stay, and to muck up my inner screen. I felt that Rabbi Miller was reading my mind, and was very embarrased infront of this holy sage. But then I thought to myself, well if he can read my mind, and isn’t telling me to stop, perhaps, then, he is enjoying it. Perhaps, one has to enjoy ones mind and not fight it – then the longed for success will come on its own. Then, it came quite suddenly, the Rabbi just walked away. I guess he read my suspicions, felt insulted. I never asked him for mechila. Feel terrible. So much for my confession.
Just kidding. It’s all a lie. Ha ha ha.
July 18th, 2003 18:27
Yes, you’re mad. But SHE is a bit mad also (in a good way!!!), so maybe you could be a good match.
July 18th, 2003 19:16
“We’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.” “How do you know that I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”
(Hey Snark, take a look at this, you’ll get a kick out of it.)
July 18th, 2003 21:11
She,
1. If you’re Israeli why were you dating an IRS guy, and why would you pay taxes to the IRS?
2. If the guy works for the IRS, why did you think he looked at his watch because he wanted to get back to yeshiva on time? Is he in yeshiva or working for the IRS?
You are a good fiction writer.
July 18th, 2003 21:26
IRS, I think she already answered your first question – she said she was talking about Mas Hachnasa, which must be Israel’s income tax collection unit. She just used IRS for her U.S. readers. Perhaps you are just jealous that you did not get to impress she with your shema recitations.
July 18th, 2003 22:36
Maybe She doesn’t exist at all, maybe she’s a myth. Maybe she is a collective entity of 10 different girls form all over the world, including Israel, US, UK, Canada, Australia, and countries of the FSU. And here they are pulling us by our noses, wrapping us arround their fingers. Maybe She is an artificial intelligence program that Yoz is testing out on us, with 10 different intelligent servers all over the globe. Simulating a shidduch going girl.
July 19th, 2003 11:58
Humbert did u see the movie Simone?
July 19th, 2003 21:28
But he *is* in yeshiva. And also working for OUR IRS.
July 20th, 2003 05:32
Asif, no i haven’t what is it about?
July 20th, 2003 06:31
I know, I know, I know what was the matter, She. He wanted to impress you by the fact that he’s good with numbers and he KNOWS what he’s talking about.
July 20th, 2003 11:47
Its a movie about a director who casts a digital woman in his movie named simone..it wasnt very well recieved but your comments before just reminded me of it.
July 20th, 2003 16:58
She, what’s the matter with the blog?
July 20th, 2003 17:20
Hey She, what’s the matter, where are you anyway? Is all OK? Or are you brooding?
July 20th, 2003 20:14
Am resting.
July 20th, 2003 20:41
Actively or passively resting?
July 20th, 2003 20:50
Tzadikim ain lohem menucha lo b’olom haze, vlo b’olom habo. So you must be in your own world, which defies definition, denies entrance, and or escape. Olam Ha”She”, I mean Olam HaHe.
July 20th, 2003 21:52
She! you are making us worry!
please don’t stop writng!
July 20th, 2003 23:58
No, speak for yourself please.
I do not worry, I’m at ease
kowing well something’s amiss,
a venomous kiss, a vacuum hiss
happilly crawling on her knees,
foreboding love in legalese –
read, keep it simple stupid, is
it soda pop or champagne fizz?
July 21st, 2003 01:15
She – who are you anyway to say that all BT’s are mad?
July 21st, 2003 02:09
Humbert, you remind me of my little brother. Annoying and pesty.
(Yikes, I shoulda left out that last part)
July 21st, 2003 02:10
Rav Nachman from Breslov said, that in the end of days before the comming of moshiach, whoever will have Faith in Hashem will be considered Insane.
July 21st, 2003 02:13
Hey, rebetzin wannabe, long time no see. How’s it cooking? I’m not annoying. I repeat, I am not annoying. Your brother has every right to get on your nerves.
July 21st, 2003 02:21
Punims you remind me of my grandma. Purple and on wheels.
July 21st, 2003 04:13
She, didn’t that guy talk about anything else other than taxes?
July 21st, 2003 07:25
I don’t think so. Or maybe he did. I don’t know. Anyway, it was fascinating enough.
July 21st, 2003 21:59
I just feel sorry for both of you that you can’t get along very well with eachother.
July 21st, 2003 22:59
I miss you, She.
July 21st, 2003 23:43
Yep, it feels good to be alive, sometimes.
July 22nd, 2003 11:02
ok she, i think you should come back now. now. now.
July 22nd, 2003 14:58
Let She be. Just show her love and support and she’ll come around whenever she feels. We all need downtime.
Humbert…do you know how to tone yourself down at all? I find you’re getting on my nerves and I don’t think I’m alone.
July 22nd, 2003 15:50
Random lil you, I agree I’m an outrage. Will make another – this time, real – effort to tone, as you say, down, my, as it were, self. Sorry for making misconfort in the mind and heart, everybody.
July 22nd, 2003 23:54
you mean you dont get all high and tanned from saying and meditating on shema? gosh, how far we have strayed…
July 23rd, 2003 00:19
I don’t necessarily think the issue is the seriousness or intensity one has for reciting prayers (or how invigorating the experience can be) as much as it has to do with exploiting a religious activity thinking it might impress a woman
July 23rd, 2003 00:52
What else can he do? Kitesurf to impress She?
July 23rd, 2003 03:40
Dear She,
Here is my love and support. Now will you come back please?
July 23rd, 2003 03:50
Well it happened to me once. I bentched. A religious moan pierced through quite unintentionally. The girl was very happy and flattered, thinking I was entertaining her or something. So I up and tells her, “Well actually I was trying to divert my mind from you, unto the shapes of the letters for a change”. She found it most distasteful. So she goes, “oh I know how to divert your thoughts, here” and opening a salt shaker, jetted the salt in my face. I was so embarassed, I told her she was crazy, and started crying. She got all red, “you know what, you are tireding [sic]” got up, and left. I hope she dies. Eventually. After 120.
July 23rd, 2003 09:35
Humbert, who cried you or the girl?
July 23rd, 2003 16:24
I. Sob.
July 23rd, 2003 19:00
ok you guys,, please help me out here , i have 2 very important questions-
1) what the heck is a blog
2) what does sic mean
thank you
July 23rd, 2003 21:27
“Blog” is short for Web log and refers to a Web page that serves as a publicly-accessible personal journal for an individual. Typically updated daily (though, not the case with our beloved She as of late), blogs often reflect the personality of the author as they spew out rants, diatribes, stories of lost love or what have you. Basically whatever the author fancies.
“Sic” is a latin word meaning thus or so. It’s usually used to indicate that a quoted passage, especially one containing an error or unconventional spelling, has been retained in its original form or written intentionally. Humbert was just covering his bases, showing that he didn’t misspell anything — the girl was all jumbled.
July 23rd, 2003 21:34
Speaking of blogs, check out this one entitled “The Shidduch Experiment” quite apropos to our little site…
http://www.20six.co.uk/-/en/weblog/3c6zga4yo024?categoryId=fibm0rbo9zvk&show=next&lastIndex=1jmoauwfewm4p&day=1&month=0&year=0&calendarMonth=&calendarYear=
July 23rd, 2003 21:41
She’s annoying.
…and look what she had to say about our lovely She here….
http://www.20six.co.uk/-/en/weblogEntry/10w2g5770wt78
July 23rd, 2003 21:43
“A chick”? Was that about me? A chick?
July 23rd, 2003 21:49
Yeah, and trying to ride your wave of glory đ
July 23rd, 2003 21:54
What glory?
It’s cool, anyone can write about shidduchim, you know….
July 23rd, 2003 22:44
Anybody, true, but not with your characteristic candor.
July 23rd, 2003 22:51
Oh, that’s just so nice.
Thank you.
I think I’m going to make “candor” my new favourite word now.
July 23rd, 2003 22:55
Glad I could be so impressionable.
July 24th, 2003 02:57
that girl is sic for thinking u were entertaining her with the moan..i mean let a guy have his peace with his kavuna, people shouldnt but into others bussiness on how they daven…
July 24th, 2003 05:04
I think so too. It’s not too much to ask for, is it?
July 24th, 2003 05:58
People are too nosy, that’s for sure. For instance, my mother is Korean, she went through the geirus process before I was even in the planning – why does everyone have to ask me whether I am a ger or not? I mean, it’s none of your business. Am I marrying you? No. So what’s your freaking problem. People just get on my nerves. Today, for instance I had this nasty talk with my manager in Eichlers. So he had to know exactly how many hours I spend watching TV per week. Exactly. Like, oh my gosh, what’s your freaking problem, man. Like I work for you twice a week. Freaking twice a week. You pay me next to nothing. I repeat next to nothing, on the good days. You smell like spoiled rats soaked in kerosene. And you want to know if I’m not kodesh enough? Go jump in the lake, looser. Sheesh. Some people are just too nosy, that’s what I say.
July 24th, 2003 09:52
I don’t think it is nosiness as much as it is an inability by many in so called âfrum communitiesâ to deal with variation or perhaps what they see as a challenge to their monolithic society. After all, if the Rebbe says TV is evil and you watch TV, clearly you are inclined towards evil (if not evil incarnate) and obviously incapable of being an effective Jewish book sales person. Whether or not youâre a committed and halakhic Jew is irrelevantâŚ
As for questioning the kavanah of others, one never knows what is indeed going on in the hearts of others (nor the meaning of whelps, hummings, bizarre guttural vibrating noises etc.) and it would be wiser to inquire as opposed to simply cast aspersions (or salt, or any other granular substance, for that matter).
July 24th, 2003 10:16
thank you mr invisible
July 24th, 2003 11:42
So, How many hours of TV do you watch?
.
.
.
.
j/k đ
July 25th, 2003 03:54
AsIf, you’re cute. I try not to watch at all. But I have to deal with the fact that the TV is watched regularly by other people here where I’m currently at. TV is stupid, the only thing I’d ever want to watch would be the Charlie Rose show, and documentaries about the dinosaurs on the learning channel. TV is the looney box, the best part is comercials, the most original and creative stuff of television.
July 27th, 2003 15:22
‘course Im cute.
Now that we are unanimous on that topic, I have to totally disagree with you about the TV thing.
I love Tv – I really enjoy it and make time to watch it. I was “Trauma-life in the ER” to test my medical knowledge, “Friends” and “Everyone loves Raymond”to laugh, Channel 2 for the educational programs, M*A*S*H, and reruns of Felicity wondering my university experience wasnt more like hers :). Freud might say that its catharsis – who knows? Theres a lot to learn from TV like the books and the internet – its jst a form of media, and like anything else you have to be picky about what you choose to watch.
July 27th, 2003 18:33
Perhaps you’re right, TV is beautiful, although it is the lowest common denominator for consumption of the masses, mass produced by the opressive powerful and rich class, like a sausage churning mill. But, as Tolstoy already said, true art is contagiously popular. For perhaps TV is the True art of Modern Times despite the fact that it’s pure brain washing; that it’s a low taste and quality thing; and that its humour isn’t funny, and tragedy ain’t sad.
But that was sweet of you anyway – very brave to stand up for TV when everyone else is suddenly sitting down to daven.
July 29th, 2003 08:58
Maybe thats why I have so many issues with davening.
July 30th, 2003 21:12
my computer is fixed!!! now i’m going to catch up on what i’ve missed. ok, i’m done.
wow. what’s this about moaning in pleasure during davening? Humbert! That’s highly inappropriate! Jeez!
July 31st, 2003 04:20
If I’m guilty of high impropriety, I am innocenct of low aspirations.
July 31st, 2003 05:42
TV as art?? TV as educational?? I enjoy TV as much as the next guy, but let’s not kid ourselves, folks. TV fries the imagination and is one of the most intellectually passive things you could do with your time. It ecourages escapism, and a distortion of reality. It ruins the imaginative faculties. All of this is obvious to anyone she’einav b’rosho. Of course, as I said before, I do enjoy TV sometimes, but let’s not rationalize too much.
July 31st, 2003 09:26
look, I don’t know about you but “Jerry Springer” is the best show on TV! JERRY! JERRY!
July 31st, 2003 18:16
No, the best show on TV is Charlie Rose! Dog man it.
July 31st, 2003 18:37
Hey, HumbAri does Art immitate reality, or does reality immitate Art? And are there really two m’s in immitate?